10 dpo - Dreaming of that BFP

Ok, so I'm 10 dpo, and been having some odd dreams, nothing vivid, and no, didn't actually dream of the BFP. I dreamt of my little brother going on his interviews for his residency except he looked like a childhood friend of mine, and he asked my advice on why he wasn't getting very positive feedback. His clothes were dirty and sloppy, I pulled him aside and spoke to him like my brother except I called him by my friend's name, and dressed him like I used to dress my little brother, he looked sharp. I put him back in line and then suddenly I was at my mother's house and there were bees everywhere in the grass! I can't even figure out what these dreams mean regardless of the dreams my friends are telling me! My world's most amazing CB told me about a crazy dream she had where we both had more than one baby!! I happened to really like this dream. Then my other friend that I've had since I was 12, she emails me out of the blue and tells me she felt convicted to write to me to tell me I had great things coming my way in the coming year and to get ready for them. Its very difficult to hear all these powerfully hopeful stories and then also to keep grounded and sane and I find myself somewhere in the middle. Like always, riding that hopeful/realistic fence and thinking it must be possible to be both? I had "friended" a gal on FF because I felt a lot of similarities between her and I and our situations. Her DH had his varicocelectomy a week before my DH did and she just got her BFP!! That's truly a miracle and I never expected it to be possible for it to be so soon, but I'm glad her DH got one in there!! I know all it takes is one, and I know if its meant to, it will happen, so I'm going to keep chugging along, relying heavily on my FFriends, and my CB to keep me sane -- I know some days are easier than others to maintain this task, so kudos to them! :) I hope my CB gets her very special Christmas gift or New Years Gift, I want to see her so happy, she deserves it! I will keep waiting for God's opportune time to let me know what's in store for me. . . . and pray I don't dream of bees, those are creepy.

CD 12 -- Waiting to O

LOL No, not waiting to O that way, but ovulate. I'm not sure how much of a chance we have this month but we are fated to try anyway. My CB and I are offiically the last two on the teacups of everyone I know who is TTC. The rest got off the teacups and went to the big ride of pregnancy, or they just stepped out of line to ride another time. Sometimes, you need a break from the teacups and I understand their choices. It makes you think, "will this ever happen for us?" And that's a heartbreaking question to have to ponder because its a 50/50 shot, yes or no, and knowing one of the possibilities is "no" can really shatter your spirits. I know my CB and I wrestle with these thoughts of despair and hope, its a swirling mess of a ride. It can make you sick if you let the emotions take control. All we can do is keep trying and hope if there is a time to throw in the towel, God will let us know. We pray and pray for either a yes to a baby, or understanding hearts if it is a no.

In the meantime, we try, we fight, we give it all we got: I POAS my OPK that is, and a +, so we started BD'ing this cycle very gently post varicocelectomy, I'm sure it needs more time to take any kind of effect but we feel better attempting at least. DH still has a large mass of swelling/antibiotics that was left in his left testicle, so that makes BD'ing less pleasant but he is in good spirits and walking around much better. Still no lifting, no straining, no running, no fast walking, no push ups, no sit ups, nothing at all, lol per the Dr's instructions. Good luck to all those couples getting sick on the teacups, I hope you find your Big Ride Ticket soon. Sticky thoughts to the rest of my friends and family on the Big Ride already.

Stepping off the teacup ride this month.

This month DH decided we would get off the ride and take a break, take a break from ttc. We did not bd at all this month. Sad face for me, but I understood where he was coming from -- DH's varicocelectomy was scheduled for the 11th and he felt with the latest SA which was worse, that it wasn't worth the heartbreak at the end of the month. Our prayers would go instead to a safe and successful surgery with a speedy recovery. In the meantime since my DH is restricted from lifting 10lbs or greater for the next 6 weeks, we busted our butts getting our house ready for sale. We retiled our hall bathroom and revamped our front yard landscaping. It was so nice to be working side by side with DH for two weeks and then we had the week together for his recovery. That was harder. Its hard to see your provider, your strong man, crippled with pain and immobility. His was one of the most severe cases our 5th rated urologist in the nation has dealt with. I give the ranking to illustrate, this is all he does, fertility issues and he's no small fish, he must've seen lots of varicoceles and it was a heart crushing statement and one endowed with hope. He explained to us the more severe a varicocele, the greater chance for improvement when its repaired. Well, we're either shot in the foot or we're going to have wonderful improvement chances. We opt to HOPE. I logged on to just give the update on where I've been and that we didn't try this month, or most likely next month, DH is still very sore and there is still lots of swelling. And to my bliss, a friend from FF that I follow posted she got her BFP!!!! That just lifts my spirits so high. I know it will lift DH's also. My FF cb just had her surgery also and is doing well, which also makes me feel better. I can't stand people in pain. That's why I'm not a doctor -- I'd just cry with them rather than be able to help them. Anyway, I hope my CB is now past her obstacle and she holds my place line on the next rollercoaster, I'm gonna try and push her off the teacups and hope she drags me with her. :) Love you CB! Babydust and Sticky thoughts!!

CD 19: 7 dpo; Up in the air?

7 dpo: BBT was 98.7. So it was 98.7, 98.1, now 98.7, that looks like a dip. I woke up at 4 am on my own, I was done sleeping but I stayed in bed and tried to sleep until 7 am, my usual wake up time. At 6 I couldn't stand it anymore and took my temp and got up to pee! I went for my walk with my neighbor and then came back to FF to start comparing my chart and see what's going on with my temp. I know I should relax, not think about it, go on and wait for AF to be late or not late, but what the heck is the point to temping if I'm not seeing the cycle averages are and seeing what it could possibly mean? I found lots of charts that my chart so far resembled, but it would appear I need 2-3 more days of temps to have a better idea. I am hoping I find some spotting today and then that would correlate to a possible IMPLANTATION! If I don't I could still be in the running but wouldn't it be great if I were? Oh to daydream of Our Time...
I would wake up at 7 am on a Saturday morning, sneak to the bathroom to POAS and anxiously wait for those two precious pink lines to appear, and when they did I would say my silent tear-filled prayer of thanks to God. He would smile and let me know He loved me. Then I would slip back into bed where DH still slept and I would whisper to him, "we're pregnant." And we'd both cry. Oh, to dream. Next week I'll look back at this post and either I'll be pregnant, or I won't be, and I can say a dip? Yes it was!! Or, a dip? No, dear, that was just your estrogen surge. At least now you know what that looks like. Hopeful and prepared, will get us through.

Fall Temps

6 dpo: BBT was 98.1. BBT for 5 dpo was 98.7. What the falling temp?? As if! As if I don't have enough to over-analyze. So, what does that mean? That's curious. I've had temp rises and decreases but nothing that dramatic so early. To the internet! So apparently there could be an estrogen surge mid-LP which causes a temp decrease. But why would I have that now? What an odd thing to do to me. Of course I see "implantation dip" alongside my search queries but they all say 7-11 dpo is the average time to see a dip. And of course, without knowing yet what 7 dpo temps are, its hard to judge if this is a dip or a stay put. I did notice if we are going the hopeful route (why not?) when I went on my walk this morning I could barely stand the smells all around. It could logically be explained that I went a little later, the sun was shining so it was warmer, maybe intensifying any smell. It could be that we had some rain and cooler temps so there was an abundance of dew on the grass and it maybe was just fermenting in the sun but it overwhelmed me and I started to breathe through my mouth. Everything smelled rotten. I smelled mold, mildew, rot, and sour milk. **sighs** So if these are just curious coincidences, well, I'd rather not run into them again. On the other hand, if it means pregnancy, well then bring it on!

So tomorrow we'll see what the heck is up (or down) with my temps...

Hopeful and Prepared

4 dpo -- So, just in case . . . . from my dear friends on FF, all it takes is one. After learning of what obstacles lie ahead for our journey to parenthood, at first glance the path seemed so steep that it would be impossible to climb. Having .5% normal morphology sperm will often appear as a wall rather than a path, but sometimes you have to look with a different set of eyes. The negative eye will say "no" its not possible, that's too steep, it might as well be a wall. The faithful eye sees the same obstacle and says "hmmm, no sense in trying to walk through that, instead, let's make some notches here and there, not too big, but so that now we have footholds and handholds and with some effort, we can." The notches are the FertilAid I now have DH on, to help with his count and morphology. Its the antibiotics my Dr put him on to get rid of the white blood cells. Its the procedures I've done to make sure we know how high we have to go. Its the help that we're seeking and getting from so many that is making a wall, a path.

So, yes, I am 4 dpo and yesterday I felt a sharp poke in my right side. Certainly, it could be gas. When you're so keen on every little blood cell movement little things can seem bigger than they are. I am well aware what our chances are at conceiving naturally, we are seeking help, but for this cycle, DH and I bd'ed au naturale. If by chance, one, one sperm in the thousand we have available for us made to the egg, well than, I can be hopeful that my poke was something. If by chance, it was gas or nothing but the innerworkings of my digestive tract, than I am prepared for that, too.

But hopeful and prepared is a feasible way to TTC. Good luck, and FTTA.

Birthdays

Growing up I always looked forward to birthdays, they were always filled with family and of course, presents! Since TTC, each passing birthday seemingly made my biological clock tick louder and faster. It would be safe to say, I was not looking forward to turning another year older, another year closer to 35. What's my hang up with 35? Well, not only does TTC then start to really become a challenge for those without fertility issues, but carrying a pregnancy starts to become risky for the mother and baby. Our insurance already classifies any pregnancy over 35 at high-risk. High-risk? I feel like I've just started! How can you tell me I'm already nearing the wrap-up stages of my child-bearing years? I cannot say however, that I would have wished to have started trying earlier. After reflecting with DH last night, we are glad that we did choose to wait to try. We believe we may have encountered the same issues then as we are now, but now, we are older, wiser. We have life-experience that can only be gained by going out and living. I am a college graduate, I have traveled the world, I have tried several careers, I became a teacher, I coached and made a difference, I am a homeowner, I have lived and done everything I've ever aspired to do; now how could I have traded that? DH and I believe in teaching our children not only about books, but about life. I cannot honestly say I would have had much to teach them had I not gained my own life-experience. I can teach them all I've learned from living on my own, having roommates, budgeting college, paying their own way, working 3 jobs at once to make sure I could do it on my own . . . granted, love love love it when DH came along! I want to teach my daughter to be her own woman, not to rely on her husband, DH is the greatest company anyone could ever hope for, but he does not define me. He knows and I know, I can make it on my own.



So, having accomplished the things I have, I cannot say I would have done it differently. I trust God will make me a mother. So although I dreaded today for months, alas, it has arrived -- and I'm okay! I've reached another birthday and I'm glad! I am grateful for having another year with my parents, my grandmother, my siblings, DH's family, and with so many friends I've reconnected with and met on this journey of mine. If another birthday comes and I still don't have the one gift I truly seek, I will still be okay. One day, it will happen, someday, somehow. I'm very excited to trust in His plan for us, and to celebrate all there is. Happy birthday to me.

Riding the Teacups

My original CB and I used to feel TTC and riding roller coasters were synonymous. There are ups and downs, twists and turns, sudden stops, slow rises, except with TTC, all these relate to your emotions instead of being physically thrown around at high speeds. We called TTC "Riding the Teacups". You do the same things, bd, take prenatals, eat right, temp daily, lay with your legs in the air, and then endure the anxiety-ridden 2ww. Just like the teacups, you spin and spin, there's anticipation that you'll end up somewhere different than where you started, but when the 2ww/ride is over, you're back at the same spot as when you got on. We also call it the teacups because its not the biggest ride you'll have to face either. Once you conceive, you graduate, off the teacups to a bigger roller coaster -- this one has tunnels, it has a slow steep climb and then it goes really fast . . . this is pregnancy. She got off the teacups very early and left me spinning alone. Don't get me wrong, I was glad she got off, one can only handle spinning round and round for so long and then the teacups are no fun at all. I try to be supportive of her new ride, but truth is, I can't really understand what she's going through, I've never been pregnant. I only know the teacups. I see the giant roller coaster ride of pregnancy and scary as it looks to some people, I really really want to get on it. I try and its like the attendant looks at me and says, "36 inches" you're too small. I feel small. I feel un-pregnant. I feel like everyone else is pregnant and I may never know the feeling. I feel like I hate the teacups.

Eventful and Informational Summer/Fall...

I haven't posted since May. Well, let's do a quick summary of events.

End of May -- I was cut from my job as a teacher (first year teachers received huge rounds of cuts due to the budget in our state; being an elective teacher, I didn't have much say). This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I love teaching however it is very stressful and ttc plus added stress doesn't help in the "just relax" therapy.

In June and July -- DH and I tried to just relax and not worry so much about temping and testing, I admit I still watched these things but didn't share when the fertile time was so DH could not stress about it and his responsibilities which I know were causing him to stress and worry about having to bd at certain times for the CAUSE. :)

August -- This was sort of our, "ok, its been a while now, if it doesn't happen this month, we agree to go see a doctor" month. Well, it didn't happen and I was starting to lose hope. I now couldn't come back to blogging, what for, what answers did I have? I started to realize all my posts may be the same, hopeful symptoms of things my mind is imagining because I want to be pregnant so much. Ok, I admit also, I had a cry-fest pity party. It lasted a couple weeks. Then, I woke up. No one is going to do this for me, no one is going to magically get us pregnant, if we want it, we must be active participants in the getting. I have faith. Don't misunderstand that I believe we could do this without God's help. FAR FROM IT!! But it comes to mind, I can't win the lottery without God's say so, but He laughs and says, well dear, you certainly can't win it either without buying a ticket! LOL Yes, God has a sense of humor. So yes, I believe God wants us to have children, but we also have to work toward it ourselves. I don't expect anything in life to just be handed to me, I've worked for everything because God has always instilled in me that work ethic and go-getter attitude. So, with God's help, we are on our way to have a baby!

September -- We work on our referrals for specialists and we are granted them as we've been not preventing for 4 years now. DH gets his 1st scheduled SA and I am referred to a fertility specialist OB/GYN. DH's SA results were a clue to the answers we needed to continue on our journey of TTC.
DH has low sperm count - 11 million/mL when normal is considered above 20 million/mL.
DH has low morphology - .5% normal with 99.5% abnormal. Normal fertile range is above 5% normal.
DH has olympic swimmers!! - 77.9% forward progression, normal is above 50%.
The morphology was the most devastating. The low count can be treated but we were concerned about how treatable his morphology would be especially with such a low count, we were classified as having a poor prognosis for conception. :(

October -- DH is referred to a urologist. He is diagnosed with a grade 3 varicocele. Varicocele is a cluster of veins in the testicle that are similar to varicose veins. This is the most common cause of male infertility. Grade 1 is the first stage/grade, being mild, grade 3 is the most severe. DH has an upcoming SA next week and then we take all his blood work (hormones) and SA's to our appt with the urologist on the 25th where we will schedule his surgery to correct the varicocele. Talk about one of our worst days. DH was depressed, scared, angry, and it was doubly-hard to be the strong one. I had to remind DH whatever issue we encountered is OUR issue, no one's fault, just part of our road to having kids. As unfair as it seems, DH and I never had things easy, but we are always stronger for it, and frankly, wouldn't seem right to have it any other way. Its as though all our trials and tribulations always prepare us for something harder ahead. So, fair to say, we're ready for the challenge. Anyway, DH was not poked and prodded alone! I had my cycle day 3 blood work, haven't heard back on those but I assume if it wasn't good, they would've called. I had an HSG done this week. It was very intimidating, very scary, but after it was done, I was relieved. Tubes are free and clear. Up next we wait to see when DH schedules his surgery then I'll schedule my laparascopic surgery. The more information we have, the better equipped we are to have a game plan to conceiving. The lap surgery will check me for endometriosis. If I'm all clear then we just have to wait to see improvement in DH's numbers. I know we'll see improvement. Then, we'll either look into IUI and consider clomid for me. If the numbers aren't that drastically improved, we will consider IVF with ICSI.

Ok, that's the informational wrap up. I'll go into the emotional effects later. Its been rough and I wish people would just watch what they say and stop thinking they know so much about having kids, even when they've had them, they didn't have them with the issues we're dealing with. Its not the same for everyone and I'm sorry, "Just stop talking about it and do it already," isn't helpful advice.

May cd21/8or9 dpo

CD 21/ 8 or 9 DPO -- BBT was 98.4. I don't know exactly what my O day was as FF says its either the 12th or 13th. I personally feel it was the 12th, but I'm no expert. I have had consistent gassiness however if I'm not PG, than I don't know what is causing this. DH is still optimistic as always, he really feels this is the month. I go to the DR today and DH is accompanying me. DR is for my wrist, and my ankle, I hope at least that gets remedied. My normal cycle length is 23/24/25/26 days, the last few months have only been 23 days long, so I can either test in 2 days or in 5, and FF says to wait until 28 days because its not used to my cycles and I at least know I wouldn't be 28 days long!! That's a whole month, nearly. ;) I'm used to 2 cycle starts in a month. I've listed cramps on my FF chart, however its not so much AF cramps, its more like constant nagging twinges on my right side, just consistent and pinching and only on my right side.....hmmmmmm. Until I get a BFP, I'm just going to assume its gas. Oh yeah, and have had heartburn, which I haven't had since college. We'll just wait and see then. And I'm so proud, I have not POAS!!!!!! I'm doing good!

May cd15/3dpo

3 dpo/cd15: BBT was 97.9. So having charted each day, my FF has calculated my thermal shift and therefore pinned my O day on May12th. I hope this is a sign, bc that is my Mom's birthday and she is praying oh so very hard as well. DH and I BD on cd12 and cd13. BFP on both those days, so with three steady increases temps, I know I'm 3 dpo. Only thing I noticed today is sore BBs again. I think idk what that means. I started increased urination, but also started with a LARGE cup of coffee. I know I noted that I felt O pains on my right side, after blogging I noticed heavier left side O pains. With all these blissfully postive O signs, I hope its all good news. The budget has also been released for the upcoming school year, the only thing I know is my position will remain what it is now, and therefore I will discontinue coaching next season. This already is a tremendous stress relief to DH and I however painful it is to lose my girls. Another note, DH and I had fun watching our momma robin teach her 4 little babies how to fly and get out of the nest. We are already having empty nest syndrome. lol

May cd13

CD 13 -- BBT was 97.6. Idk, I used another OPK this afternoon, just for fun, and another BFP. It could be that I caught the LH surge at the start, and this is the peak coming back down. Either way, DH is gonna have to dance again with me. I felt a right side twinge today, but last month was right side also, and if I really think hard about it, I could swear the month before was right side, I wonder if its possible to only O from one side each month? Hmmmm. Well, I'm kinda tired, think I'm gonna nap before the big event.

May cd12

CD12-- BBT was 97.3. I woke up and eagerly awaited an increased BBT, since the night before I noticed EWCM. I asked DH to pony up but alas, we are both exhausted and after 3 attempts we threw in the towel. I took the EWCM as my O sign so when I woke up and temped, saw that I had not yet increased. Hmmm. So I go pee on my OPK, and whaddayouknow? BFN. Whattha? I started to have doubts that I would O at all this month. Pretty stressful month thus far, appears will not dip until 11 more school days run their course! I decided later this evening, I need to pee, might as well pee on another OPK. What the hey, couldn't hurt, I bought them in bulk, 100 OPKs for I can't recall but it was dirt cheap. I peed in my cup, dipped my OPK and almost immediately BFP! Woot woot! So, soon as DH finishes his hw, guess what we're gonna do??? ;) Wish us luck!

May cd8

CD 8 --BBT was 97.9. So, anticipating O day's arrival, felt an increased libido today, there is usually one day per month that I HAVE to DTD, sometimes, I'll even have to help myself out if DH is deployed or on TDY, I spoke with my CB on this, and there is just that one single day that if I don't do something I will go crazy. We are wondering if this is a start or symptom that O is about to happen. I took an OPK yesterday, there was a faint line, still negative as it was not equal to or greater in darkness as the control line. I took an OPK today and still a faint line, still negative. I started using FF (fertility friend.com) and so I have a plethora of charts, they are all similar however all will tell me a slightly different fertile period. My phone app says it starts today, FF says not til Monday, and two other sites say Sun. So just to be safe, DH and I scheduled the BD regimen as CD 8, CD 10, CD 12-14, and CD 16. That should cover it. :)

My Ovulation Chart

Another link to my FF chart.

May cd4

CD 4 -- BBT was 97.6. Above is a link I believe if you click it, will take you to my FF BBT chart. Pretty neat site, takes the labor out of charting, hahaha, so you can save up your energy for your labor! **God willing!!** I know I have tickers up the hooha, but they all make the countdown to this day or that day seem less overbearing and more fun. Light cramping, AF is packing her bags and will go away soon, and no, I do not want to dance, nor twirl, not even in slow-motion. DH, I know you get this. ;) Here's to O day coming hopefully within the next 10 days, and here's the resting up for BDing and more 2ww'ing!!

May cd3

CD 3 - BBT was 97.5. The past 3 days have been HORRIBLE. I was laid on my back in pain, crying at the severe cramping AF was doling out. We also painted this weekend, so I had to sleep on the couch, didn't take my BBT CD2 due to the new sleeping locations, the lack of sleep, and we slept with the windows open so I figured it would be a bust temp anyway. I'm going to start using my OPK tomorrow trying to pinpoint O. DH was awesome, as always, he gave me my Ibruprofen, coaxed me through my tirades, and tried his best to be gentle with me. I've noticed, my BBs still appear to have blue veins, so I'm thinking having never seen those before, must be attributed to the B6 and B12 vitamins that help with blood production and circulation. At least I know I'm not crazy and was imagining those.
On a cute side note, our momma robin has hatched two little baby birds, and not sure about the third, we see an egg, but no baby yet from it. Poor DH, he had hoped the presence of our momma bird meant a sure sign for us last month, I will admit, secretly, I did too. DH is already thinking optimistically for this month, its hard to not jump on with him, he's so contagious.

May cd1

CD1 -- BBT was 97.7. Whew, big drop in my BBT, I KNOW AF is coming today. Starting to get bubbly in my abdomen which is normal for my cycle start and with a drop like that, there's no way she's staying away another day. Ok, well, I will be diligent in my BBT charting, every morning at 7 am before I get out of bed, I take it, I have an alarm for 6:20 am to make sure I wake up enough to ensure I'm not cuddled up with DH (who is my personal oven). TTC May
Edition....I might try Robi or Mucinex this month, coupled with EPO, idk what else to do, maybe BDing more, staying relaxed (haha which will be impossible, bc last month of school, finals, and getting ready for new season), and eating healthier, yummy spinach, veggies, fruit, water, lean meats, I had sushi yesterday which is so uber good for you, maybe we'll make more of that this month, and no, sushi is not raw fish, spare me the warnings. Ok, nothing I can do about last month, just prepare for what is ahead of us. CB is still in the fight, **Sticky Baby Dust** to you!

April 12dpo (4/30/10)

12 dpo -- BBT was 98.3. I'm feeling OUT. I know AF is raring up for a fight and I have no way to stop her it seems. Feel SO tired but attribute it to work, work, work and work. Throat hurts, so must be sick. :( No cramps, but more brown spotting. I took B6 early in case the brown spotting was due to low progesterone levels. Since my BBT hasn't dipped below my coverline, I know AF isn't coming today, but it feels like she's being sneaky and just lurking in the shadows. What should I do? Wear a sweater and blanket all day to make sure my BBT stays up? I don't know how else to fight her! And yes it feels like a fight, her versus DH & I. DH is awesome, he is more + than I am, which helps me, he chants at my uterus every morning, "don't start! don't start!" in effort to ward off the start of my cycle. So, if I pray day-by-day, just stay away one more day....maybe I can get to 16 days of raised BBT???

April 11dpo

11 dpo -- BBT was 98.5. So, woke up and noticed the rise in my BBT and was pleasantly surprised. I was dreading a huge dip that would mean AF is definitely arriving. So, what do I do? I rashly go and POAS. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't I took it as a pretty big sign to go ahead and do it. Well, heartbroken again with a BFN. The definition of crazy: repeating the same action with the expectation of a different result. Yep, that's me in the 2ww. My phone has an app to chart my bbts for me and I noticed the steady increase in temps and noticed my app placed a coverline for me and saw that this could mean I went triphasic. So, now had to research what triphasic temps meant, even though it was just one day of a rise so far...but learned it is a good sign, for some, and meaningless for others. Some ppl go triphasic w/o being PG, and some PG women don't go triphasic. So, boo, all this info applies to some and not others. I wish I was issued a guide to myself when I was born, so I'd know what my PG symptoms would be and what I would need to know about myself. Herrumph. Same twinges today. Brief period of lightheadedness when I was bending down. BBs feel better but slight discomfort remains. BIG change today beside bbt, was went to pee at lunch like usual, and noticed I had spotted brown something. Total meltdown ensued. Cried in my stall a bit. Frantically texted my CB for support because I was losing it at work and needed someone to understand my fears/woes/worry/confusion. She was great and positive as always and I'm hoping my spotting was IB and not AF trying to start. Get out of here, old itchy AF! I don't want to see you for at least 9 months!

April 10dpo

10 dpo -- BBT was 98.3. Aside from the signs from above, today was a good day. Not that the signs were bad, they were actually quite positive, just I'm not sure if what I was seeing was what I was seeing....yep, I know how crazy I sound, that's why I'm not telling anyone including DH my "signs". So..symptoms? Still feels like AF should be starting, every time I went to el baño, I checked to make sure I didn't need AF materials (tampon/pad), and even came home after the end of the day with AF a no-show. Yay! I'm on cd 23, (mini-celebration) a milestone in that I'm officially longer than I was last month. Still same twinges on left and right sides of pelvic bone it feels, rotating otherwise if they both felt strongly at the same time I'd say exactly like my period cramps. CM seems to have dried up a bit, not the watery feeling like earlier, tmi warning.....ok, fair warning: seems to be more similar to chunky cm, in that it is in small granules rather than a lotiony or watery feeling. Resisting all urges to test until Saturday. That is my goal. I can do it. BBs still uncomfortable with pressure, even slight pressure but not heavy/full feeling anymore. I am still uber tired. Still have slight headache, with sore throat and a stuffy nose at night.

April 9dpo

9 dpo -- BBT was 98.3. I had a full day bustling with activity, out in the sun all day, running here and there. I still noticed how incredibly tired I was, I was yawning all day when in this situation, I would NOT be yawning. Noticed a lot more twinging going on in my abdomen. (I know I noticed somewhere this is described as cervix stretching, and it could be my own hopeful wishful thinking, but this is what I would describe it as) Also, feels like AF is on my front porch knocking to come in. (I actually don't have a front porch, but if I did, I'd look out the peep hole to see if she was on it!) Literally the minute I got home, I ran to the bathroom and peed. I needed to, I even peed at a way public restroom cause I needed to. I felt like I was going to see that AF was here, but alas, she is staying away.......for today. I noticed less sore BBs, but instead some stabbing pains in them periodically. They still look veiny to me, DH is out on the debate, but I definitely notice blue veins. I'm thinking this could also be attributed (as much as I want it to be a PG symptom) to the B12 and B6 that I've been taking to help with my lining and energy, could also be helping my circulation, which could attribute to blue veins. :) See? I can be logical, even in the 2ww of HELL. This morning I awoke with an awful headache that started between my eyes and spanned all the way across my head to the nape of my neck. Full. Blown. Headache. I didn't take anything for it, just hoped it was a good sign and let it be. Yep, guess that's it, oooop, nope, now I remember, also noticed this morning how awful my throat hurt. I must be getting sick despite the vitamin armor I've put on, working in a school will do that to you! Ok! Still praying, and still hopeful.....here's to 10 dpo. (A feat in itself for me!)

April 8dpo

8 dpo -- BBT was 98.1. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I tested. Boo on me. Well, of course it was negative! First of all, I'm only 8dpo, 2nd of all, I have not yet missed AF. Well, of course I wouldn't miss her if she decided not to come, I'd be thrilled, but alas, she is not yet due for another 3-6 days. Boo on me. I know. As if the prior 4 months of negative heartbreaks didn't teach me a lesson....
Ok. Vented. Terrible that I'm the one that bothers me, and I have to vent about myself. Ok "symptom" time. Still so super exhausted. I had a double-header today, not very stressful, watched movies in class, uneventful, but I'm sheer wore out. My eyeballs still burn at the eyelid and feel sore behind them. I had a headache right between my eyes too. This tells me, my eyes are tired. Note to self: wear glasses more. BBs still uncomfortable, but less so than this weekend. Still quite gassy however I really don't feel like I'm eating gas-causing food. I told DH this last symptom, which may have been a mistake because it broke him a bit, but it feels like AF is knocking on my door. Had a bit of cloudy CM, but just "feels" like I'm about to start. This would worry me because I'm on CD 20. My 'normal' cycle is about 26 days, last month only went 23, and a 20 day cycle would mean my LP would be shy of 10 days. Sooooooo, lets A) hope this is sign of PG, and B) hopes AF does not come this week.

I know I'd be a good Mom, Lord. Please?

April 7dpo

7 dpo-- BBT was 98.2. This has me worried as I would have hoped to have a dip in temp by now. However, if it keeps rising and does not go down, that should be a good sign too? I am not dismissing that I may have perhaps not taken my temp correctly, I wouldn't put that past myself either! I hope to take the attitude that I'm not out until mean 'ol AF shows her hideous face. So until that day, I vow to remain hopeful. So, bbs were really sore most of the day yesterday and when I woke up. DH tried to give me a hug and it was uncomfortable. Now, I'm wearing a bra (I don't wear one to sleep normally) and they seem fine. I noticed (or imagined) blue veins being slightly visible around my chest. Oh, and yes, still a bit gassy. CM yesterday was just watery and now I haven't noticed anything. I did nap yesterday for 3 hours, remained tired and went to bed early. I still feel pretty tired. I forgot to mention yesterday I had a very detailed crazy horrible dream, and this morning I remember waking up not sure if I was still dreaming or if I had awoken, don't remember the content of the dream just that it was very real. Toward the end of yesterday I felt as I normally do before AF starts. I started counting my CD out, and today I'm CD 19, last cycle I was 23 days, normally I'm 24-28. I O'd on CD 11, which normal is CD 10 - 12. As long as LP lasts at least 10 days, I'll be a happy camper.

I did want to share a cute note, a Momma Robin made a nest on the outside sil of our master bath, and she has 4 beautiful blue robin eggs inside that she faithfully keeps warm, and even when DH or myself goes outside she'll leave the nest but never too far away, to keep an eye on her babies. DH wants to put a feeder out for her so she doesn't have to leave to far from her nest to eat. He's so cute. :)

April 6dpo

6 dpo -- 98.1 BBT. I attempted once again to check CP, and I'd say it was high to mid, and soft. I really hope I'm checking out the right things...I told DH I should go to the dr, and have her check then tell me what it is so I'll get one right! He offered to check for me but I think it would be the blind leading the blind. I ate my hard boiled eggs this morning, they were delicious. Had a gassy morning, could be from the humongous route 44 banana Dr. Pepper I had last night with pizza, but how often do you get to splurge with friends? I have been tearing up very easily, not too far from my norm though, I'm a crier. Could also be that my eyes still feel so tired so maybe they are dry and my body is trying to help out? CM seemed wetter today, slightly more in abundance, sort of like going through pre O again. Weird. idk, this is all just driving me nuts looking for clues and over-analyzing every tiny body movement (is that a pinch? is that gas? is that implantation? is that an air bubble?) BBS just feel tender, still not "sore" just a little more sensitive only around nips, no increase or decrease from yesterday. Day is only half over, if I have a major cramp/pain/dizzy spell/spot/anything that is of significance, I'll come back and write more. I think I'm swinging my thoughts toward a - this month based on CP, it may be early yet, I may be totally screwing up the determination of CP, I could just be my own worst enemy, I really really really want to just get on God's Time and be at peace with that. I just have a sneaking suspicion I'm supposed to be helping the steps on this path, just not sure what steps and what path. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts. What a roller coaster this one post went on! oooooooh, poor DH, at least he laughs with me at the insanity of it all.

April 5dpo

5 dpo--BBT was 98.1. I don't think I have enough data to know what is high or normal for post O, I don't know if I'm elevated, I hope if I do have a "dip" it'll be pretty drastic, pretty much a "dip-for-dummies" so even I would have a real clue. So, pretty stressful day, I think I broke out even more, even had a tiny headache. I am extremely tired and my eyeballs seem to burn my eyelids, so so tired. We were on "lockdown" for part of the day so that just made the day drag on. I attempted a CP invest today in the shower, my thoughts are hmm, for someone who'd never done that before, I'd guess high and soft. I hope that doesn't sound dumb. I'll have to try again tomorrow and see if there are any changes to make sure my initial invest was accurate. CM still feels sort of wet in the panties, but other than that still seems normal to dry. (Normal to dry, just like my skin and hair, CM is followin suit lol) My bbs do not feel tender or sore, but my nips do. No twinges today, no pinches, no cramping. No nausea, no smell sensitivity other than my cinnamon pine cones bother me (its also getting warmer so hence, I can smell them more). I had a craving for hard-boiled eggs (but then again, so did DH so voila, DH boiled some eggs and we'll partake tomorrow!)
In summary....hahahah No Real Symptoms.

April 4dpo

4dpo - No real symptoms, but here is what I felt:
Slight discomfort behind my bellybutton area (also could be gas I guess).
CM is idk normal, it did feel a little wetter, but after investigation, really seemed normal.
I hear your urine should smell really strong or musky, I can't really say I have a musky smelling pee, I may just be self-conscious especially having to pee at work and any little smell seems 10 times greater than it really is....anyway, I felt it smelled strong. TMI hahaha. So lucky just my hubby and occassional CB read this! :)
I swear my bbs felt tender but then now that I'm home from work, they feel fine. I did just start to break out (could be I ran out of my usual soap and have switched soaps).
So apparently overall, my last night's pasta might have made me gassy, and my bbs are probably sore from me feeling them every hour to check if they're sore!! **sighs** I'm going nuts. My bbt this morning was 98.0. Warm for me, but maybe I'm getting sick....

April 3dpo

Okay, so I decided to start this blog on the 4th month of trying. All previous months were BFN. Anyway, I apologize for starting in the middle per se of my cycle but here goes...
A catch up--
1dpo - no symptoms whatsoever. (Not worried, I read most women don't experience any symtoms until implantation, so I have some time...although I see those women who claim to have symptoms as early as 2dpo.)
2dpo - no symptoms whatsoever, again. (I can perceive symptoms if I really try, which I think is what I was doing the last three months, every little twinge/cramp/headache/etc can be a "symptom" of pregnancy, but in the hell week of tww, it can also be logically explained...) I say no symptoms, but if we do by the Grace of God become PG, then maybe I would have liked to have kept a better journal -- so by that right, I am extremely tired!! Eyes are drooping, need a nap every hour although cannot take one. Logical me says, well, you are in the middle of coaching, and nearing the last month of school, you are stressed and have long hours, hmm, explanation to fatigue? I think its possible....but then again, hope its a symptom nonetheless!!

(See, its an up and down roller coaster ride that will drive you nuts!)

Okay, today, 3 dpo.
On my drive to work today, I felt a pain similar to O cramps, which I felt quite strongly on my O day. By the way I test with OPK/test strips, and I got a beautiful +++ so DH and I BD on O day, and 2 dpo, as well as day before O day. So on my O day, I did feel O cramps on my right side, and today felt a very similar cramp. Dare I say, a twinge? I am still very tired. Feel dehydrated. Breast tenderness however can be logically attributed to BD'ing last night. :) Normal cm, nothing out of ordinary.

Initial post; introductions.

Hello. I am 28 years old, DH is 28. We will be celebrating 7 years of marriage this fall. I am a hopeful dreamer who is ttc. Hopeful because when you decide to try, every month you have to hold out hope that this will be the month. A dreamer because I have seen my children in my dreams, I know they will exist. So, here is a brief history:
DH's sister was my best friend and roommate in college. We also happened to work together. Sometimes, DH would come by to pick up his sister for lunch or give her a ride home and these days my stomach would fill with butterflies and my heart would race. Eventually I asked my best friend if it would be okay with her, to ask her brother out. (Yes, I'm quite forthcoming) She agreed. DH and I have been together ever since. After a year long engagement we were married in 2003. We followed our parents' advice and decided to wait 5 years before ttc. I still agree this was highly beneficial to our marriage. I have been off BCP since 2006 so I am not sure when I'd be classified as officially ttc. We weren't "trying" but going off the pill, we weren't "not trying" either. I think the conscious decision to "try" came January 2010, so thus began ovulation tracking, bbt charting, cm investigations, and bd'ing on a tight schedule as my cycle is only 24-27 days long. It must be stated however, since we've been married, my husband has been deployed for a total of a 2.5 years, so the "trying" gets a little hard to do lol. So here we are, on our 4th month of dilegently ttc, and after reading blog after blog, various forums, and countless journals on the subject of the tww, I wanted to give myself an outlet so I don't drive DH away with my rants and questions during a very confusing and emotionally exhausting time...enjoy my day-by-day or close to it journal of my tww.