TTC Break

We are on a ttc break for the summer as DH and I are running around Texas, NM, and who knows where else. We will not prevent lol but not try so hard as I'm not even available to my doctors in Oklahoma. So, until I have further updates and regular internet access . . . see you soon!

Annie O

MIA-Missing in action. Since my last post, literally the next day things went NUTS! We received a cash offer on our house with a catch, we had to close in 2 weeks. What?! So DH and I had an hour to think it over and decided it was for the best. We had to pack up everything and get it all to storage in 2 days since DH as you all know was about to head to tech school for the summer. So I've been without any computer access except my phone (which we know inputting lots of text on a touch-screen is less than ideal) and have been living out of a suitcase. Now that this has happened I guess my body flipped out from the stress also and my temps decided to stay elevated but af showed up anyway. I never took a test as af was here. I became a little concerned that my temp never fell below coverline and I was well passed when my fertile cm should have been present and had creamy cm instead. I started spotting which is not common for me during ovulation and so my cb asked if my af had been normal. I said well, cd 1 was normal and then it was essentially spotting. She asked if i had tested, I said no. Could it be that I was pregnant or something else? I took a test the next day and was a bfn. My spotting had turned to a flow and I still don't know what happened. I could have had a cyst perhaps. I could have maybe actually been pregnant. I could have just needed a reset after femara. I will never know. All I do know is that I had to record an Annie O. Annovulatory cycle. A complete cycle from what I gather with no ovulation. It has me perplexed and I am trying to assume maybe a cyst did develop, maybe it was just annovulatory. Because all I have is hindsight, I can over analyze it all but instead I choose to live for today. I am in a new cycle and I hope I get my O signs soon, just so I know I'm back on track. Stay tuned, we'll hope...

The Dreaded Temp Drop of Death

CD 1: bbt: death drop -- LOL it sounds terrible I know, but its the sharp drop in temps that tells you AF is on her way. Usually she will follow a death drop on the very next day, sometimes, the same day. For me, I knew she was coming so I hoped she would come quickly so I could start hoping for next cycle's chances. I no longer need my grieving days, to mourn what might have been. I'm at peace with His plan, my Heavenly Father who is the Master Planner. I was happy that she came within hours so I could see when our next fertile week would be. And yes! I will be with DH during that time so I'm happy about it. The only part of me that is saddened is the physical part of me that has to endure the bloating, discomfort, fatigue, irritability, and cramping. But, God wouldn't have made me a woman if I couldn't handle it! We will be on the teacups au naturale from here on out so we put our faith in our marriage and unity and above all else, God. Please pray for us. (I have a special fondness for St. Gerard, please pray for us, too!)

12 dpo and still climbing?

12 dpo: bbt 98.65 -- Well color me confused.  My Fertilty Friend Chart

I didn't know what to expect this cycle, its had me running blindfolded since cd 3.  I guess I don't expect AF tomorrow anymore, I'll need to see a temp drop before I expect her.  I've had cycles with just a .05 bbt drop and the spotting begins.  If my luteal phase is extended from having medicated this cycle, I really won't know when to expect spotting or AF until my temps give me a clue.  Right now they're just trying to make me hopeful which I'm resisting as much as possible, abundance of really, more so than any hope at all.  I have vowed to never eat 15 bean soup in the 2ww EVER AGAIN.  I had really nagging twinges in my abdomen today and I just can't decipher if its gas bubbles moving annoyingly through my intestines or a symptom that I need to track.  I didn't sleep well again last night which can still be attributed to trying to rest during the day also.  Maybe I need to wear myself out so I can get some sleep.  My back has started to feel uncomfortable (from laying down all day I'm sure) and I've started a headache again (sigh, from scouring any clues online about "symptoms" on my phone).  A dear friend did her best to help (via text) me check my cervical position but there was just no figuring that out for me.  I'll stick with temping.  I think I've resolved to not poas again until Saturday if AF has yet to arrive.  Another dear friend (aren't I lucky to have so many) had her very handsome baby boy yesterday and DH and I were overjoyed to see his safe arrival.  I think its hot in here, must be Baby Fever.  :)  Good Luck and keep us in your prayers!


**Bleh wouldn't you know as soon as I post this I have to pee, and I noticed spotting on the paper.  Just a little.  I hope it stops, but it could mean AF really is on her way.  **

My Big Fat Negative with a side of Hope

11 dpo: bbt 98.51 -- I woke up as usual to temp at 7 am and I see a 98.51.  My highest temp this cycle.  I was expecting either a flat or a drop in temps.  This cycle has been so screwy I feel like I don't know what to expect anymore.  As this is my first medicated cycle, its hard to know what is "normal" for me.  I've been noticing but notsomuch noting what I think is a symptom, but hey its my crazy ride on these teacups so who cares that if AF comes at the end of the week, these "symptoms" will have been nothing but my overworked imagination . . . .
1-2 dpo: clumpy spotting.  Logical Explanation: still having ewcm and could have spotted from either the iui itself or Hopeful Explanation:  from a strong ovulation, further assuring myself I may have had multiple follicles.
3 dpo: creamy cm, all seems normal.
4 dpo: brief spotting.  Logical Explanation: Remnants of ovulation spotting or Hopeful Explanation: Super early implantation spotting coupled with a slight dip in temps.
5 dpo: gassy and bloated. Logical Explanation: DH and I are not eating meat during Lent and so to help with protein, I made a 15 bean soup. Hopeful Explanation: a miracle begins before I know it.
6-9 dpo: off and on gassy, bloated, skin break out. Logical Explanation: getting closer to AF, more bean soup, and the fact that I've been off of my antibiotics for acne for a week waiting for the refill.  Hopeful Explanation: beginning of a shift in hormones maybe?
10-11 dpo: tender breasts, fatigue, restless sleep, hot flashes, headaches.  Logical Explanation: closer to AF, maybe dehydrated, side effects from femara, resting too much during day means restless sleep at night.  Hopeful Explanation:  building up of HCG and Progesterone??

So here we are, 11 dpo, I'm ready for a nap since I didn't feel like I slept well at all last night.  I am not as disheartened at my morning's BFN as usual, until I see AF, I'm going to hope and pray that this is God's perfect plan set in motion.  Whatever that plan is, I hope and pray I'm ready and prepared to follow it.

It all started on April Fool's Day . . .

So much going on and I keep getting behind! Our house is up for sale and we're still living in it so that means daily cleaning, laundry, white glove testing lol and then being out of the house for showings. So I'm sorry I'm so infrequent lately on my blogging.

I did the femara from cd 3-7 this round and we were going to try a back-to-back iui however the day before my cd 10 scan, I flipping get a + opk. I had been noticing my opk on cd 9 was pretty dark already.  I freaked out and called my Dr about what to do, and she had me come in to do a LH blood draw. She wanted to know if I was at the beginning of the surge or the end. So Friday (April Fool's Day) we went ahead and just did the 1 IUI since it appeared as though I might have ovulated Thurs evening or Friday morning. What a bummer! My temps were all over the place this cycle so it was hard for me to determine when O had taken place and DH and I didn't even have time to bd before O! I had spotting up until cd 7 or 8 and then we tried on cd 8 but it just didn't "pan out" and then DH had to abstain until the IUI. So not sure what our chances are, not sure how I responded to the femara since we didn't get to the do the scan. I've been spotting randomly and so I think I'm done trying to guess what happened this cycle or what is happening.

Our numbers post-wash for the IUI were pretty low, 4.4 million/mL, but with nearly 2 weeks of abstinence, a fresh batch hadn't been produced in a while.  I hope we weren't too late with the iui and bd'ing altogether.  And I am so sad we didn't get to do the scan as I was really hoping to see if I responded to the femara.  I am sure I must have had multiple follicles as it appears by my temps my body kept trying to O, which is just so odd, so I can only figure maybe there were multiples follicles to try to release??  Anyway, DH and I are under the belief that no matter what we do, its how He has planned it and it will be, or it won't be.  So I have no idea when to expect AF, I'll just keep taking my temps even though they just keep confusing me this cycle, and we'll see what happens.  Thank you for your prayers, we appreciate them everyday!  And yes, I've taken it WAY easy this round, no heavy lifting, no packing, no yard work, just relaxing.  :)  Good Luck and FTTA!

No turkey, maybe tamales?

CD 8 -- Sorry for being MIA; but so much has been going on, now I believe things will calm down. LOL The calm before the storm perhaps?? Anyway, I was blessed with AF last Friday, she was meaner than ever, its almost like she knows I'm trying to circumvent her for a while (at least 9 months) and she isn't happy about it. I had a terrible cd 1 and then, she was pretty much done. CD 2-3 were mellow and she went as quickly as she came. I called my Dr on CD 1 and asked about medicating this cycle since DH will be leaving and this is his last cycle here with me for a few months. Laura, a nurse, said she'd talk to the Dr and let me know. I received a call back same day and was told to pick up my Rx and we'd be doing a back-to-back iui this cycle. My Rx? For what? Yay! So I was put on Femara from CD 3-7, 5 mg. Femara is an aromatase inhibitor. Its typically used for breast cancer treatment, but fertility docs have found that it suppresses estrogen to cause the ovaries to be put into overdrive to stimulate growth. I took a hpt (BFN) before starting Femara, just in case, as it can be very harmful to a fetus. Its fast-absorbing so when used as a method to become pregnant, if its successful, its non-existent in the body by the time pregnancy is achieved. I made sure I was well-informed before I took it. The side effects seemed minimal, just a few occassions of hot-flashes and some dizziness upon standing. My parents were up visiting (working) and helped us tremendously getting the house ready. Happy to say, the house is now on the market as of yesterday. We are now just waiting for Friday when I go in for my CD 10 scan to see how my follicles are maturing with the Femara. I think at least, I will O early. I am hoping for a few mature follicles (more targets -- increased probabilities) but I know with Femara, its quality more than quantity. I'll be monitoring my opk's, as I just have a feeling I may O earlier than usual. So, no little turkey for us, but we're still hoping for some tamales (we don't have turkey for Christmas, we have tamales). This weeks seems like its lining up to be pretty productive! Good luck CB! I'm stalking you.

These teacups are driving me crazy.

CD 21/8dpo: bbt 98.18 again. So woke up this morning and thought I was passed the 98.18 temps, but I seem destined to have at least one more go at it. :| (As my CB knows, this is my straight face) Not sad, not happy about it, it gives me no answers but alas, there it is. Yesterday DH and I had a grueling day of moving our dresser drawers into storage, and they were too heavy to lift just like that so we had to remove the drawers, put them in, remove them, put them in, just to get them onto the truck and back out of it. DH is awesome for having so much patience, but I wasn't about to have 10x more strength so he had no other option. I preceed with this information so that I don't put too much emphasis on the fact that I was pretty crampy last night. Pretty early for me to be pre-AF, but it can be rationalized by our day's activities. I had no spotting to go along with my "lower" temperature so I cannot logically say without knowledge of the future whether it was implantation or not. I had more cramping this evening, again followed by a long day of hard work, and as DH and I head out to Lowe's for yet more stuff for the house, I noticed -- the "super moon". Crap. Is that why I'm cramping? Is it true that the full moon can cause women to go into labor and change cycles? A very brief on google tells me its been speculated but not verified by any scientific circles, so I am going to go with "skeptic" on this issue. Anyway, still crampy, back still aches, so I'm either going to be pregnant this month or really tired, and really sore from all this work!

"Did you say you've been talking to yourself?"

CD 20/7dpo: bbt 98.5
Well yes, I have been talking to myself, why? Is that weird?  But that's not what I said, I said "I'm stalking myself!"  DH just doesn't understand me sometimes.  So my temp rose a little more steeply than the previous days, nothing to be alarmed about, just something I noticed.  Here is a link to my charts on FF if you want to see what I'm reffering to:  My Ovulation Chart
I find myself checking my chart a few times a day on my phone, maybe there's some clue I missed . . . maybe its the horrible 2WW playing Jedi mind games with me.  I know I can't "will" myself pregnant but its hard to sit patiently these 2 weeks and wonder.  Does God choose this month?  Does He want me to see His plan unfold or be totally surprised?  I know whatever He chooses our path to parenthood to be, it will be, and I am okay with that.  Would He have made me into such a proficient charter and so fully aware of my own body if He didn't want me to be on top of those things?  Who knows? Not me.  I'll keep temping, and being aware, and I guess I did mean, "talking to myself."

Groundhog Day

6 dpo: bbt 98.18.  What th-? Just like the movie Groundhog Day, I seem destined to have the exact temperature as yesterday and the same non-symptoms of backache and my sore throat has since turned into a sinus issue which the budding crabapple tree in my back yard must have had some contribution.  CM is still creamy, sort of seems like more than usual but everyone on FF talks about "gobs" (increased creamy cm, yellowish or not in color, is an early pregnancy sign) which I am sure I don't have that.  I had a crazy dream about meeting my CB's mother, she was a typical mother, caring, doting, generous, and she made me lunch of taco salad, and gave me several loaves of freshly baked bread to take to DH.  I also would not classify it as "vivid" (another early pregnancy symptom -- vivid dreams) more just odd but pleasant.  I am still feeling tired but I'm chalking it up to the amount of work that's been done and yet to do.  I did get wonderful news from my baby brother though!  He will be conducting his residency in New Orleans, LA!  Having always wanted to visit, I'm very pleased with this news.  Such an immersion of culture and history, I think he'll love it there.  Of course, our mother being a mother, is concerned with the weather.  I have to chuckle internally and ponder the day when my precious child begins a new adventure and I'm more concerned with protecting them; I hope I recall today and reflect.

Sore throat, backache, super tired . . . .

5 dpo: bbt 98.18.  I was so tired I slept until 11 am this morning.  Yelch!  My back has been hurting, I'm still tired and now my throat is starting to hurt.  Symptoms? Perhaps.  Could also be that plumbers had to replace our shower drain in the master bathroom so I've been sleeping next to the stench of drying concrete.  Could also be that I met with the realtor and she's lighting a fire under our rumps to get this house show ready so we've been working double-time packing, and moving boxes to storage.  

I keep complaining to DH, "I'm supposed to be taking it easy!!" LOL Its not his fault, circumstances require me to bust my butt.  But it is frustrating to not know if you are or aren't prego.  They say some early signs of pregnancy are food cravings.  I've been having food aversions so does that mean I'm extra not pregnant?  Bleh.  I know its possible to go back to the stench of the wet concrete emanating throughout the house which would shrink anyone's appetite.  I know its still very early yet, I'm only 5 dpo, but as my CB says, hindsight is 20/20, what if it really could be . . . .sigh . . . . I think I'll hit my knees and pray some more, its all in His hands now, I've done and DH has done all we can do. 

Turkey for you, turkey for me.

Safe to say, I know what a turkey feels like.  Our IUI was Friday, yesterday, already seems like days have passed but its only been hours.  Hours to ponder what has or hasn't happened, or may or may not happen.  If it was successful, our due date would be near Thanksgiving, and furthermore, our 8th anniversary.  So we are hoping for a little turkey this Thanksgiving. 

So the experience did feel a little strange as a whole.  I'll walk you up to the "basting."  So we had a two-part appointment, like normal couples, its a team effort.  So DH was up to bat for our team first, he had to go to the lab to give the specimen sample.  The sample is washed -- technically they separate the seminal fluid from the sperm, then they separate the best sperm from the undesirable ones (no, not like genetic preference for blue eyes or for a girl or boy but the abnormal sperm from the good and healthy ones.) We waited anxiously for this process to take place but I was in no way going to seem impatient (I wanted them to do a great job with this process!) so we headed down to the hospital version of Starbucks and I ordered a hot chocolate to DH's cappuccino.  (I would regret this later . . . )  DH also partook of a bagel to my dismay as I just wanted to corral it back up to the waiting room so I could be at the ready when our sample was ready.  We anxiously waited for the hour it took already pushing it close to my appointment down at my Dr's office 15 minutes away.  "Valerie?"  Ah!  Yes!  They called me, I quickly get to the window and was told to keep the sample warm (the best place to keep it is in the bra she advised, so that's where it went) and she has me sign and smiles with a, "I feel really good with how it turned out." She folded the results and put them in a bag with things to take to my Dr.and sent us on our way.  DH and I raced to our car as I called my Dr to alert them we were on our way.  "Are you going to check the results?" DH asks.  "Yes, of course!" I make sure the sample is good and locked away and carefully retrieve the results scanning for total motile sperm and motility.  Ah! It reads in order: 

1.  Total count post wash: 54.5 million/mL 
2. Total motility post wash: 80.7%
3. Volume available for IUI:  .50 mL
4. Total number of sperm for IUI:  27.3 million
5.  Total number motile sperm for IUI: 22.0 million

14 mm and growing . . .

I went in for my follicular ultrasound this morning.  A follicular ultrasound helps gauge when ovulation will take place and what progress your ovaries have made in producing mature follicles.  Once a follicle gets to its full-size (it varies woman-to-woman and month-to-month) the body has a surge of LH (luteinizing hormone) which triggers the follicle to rupture, releasing the egg into the fallopian tube.  So my follicle in my left ovary was at 14 mm.  Based on my lining, which was beautifully fluffy, my CM, my history of ovulation, we predict an ovulation of this Friday, on cd 13. 

Now that the educational part is wrapped up -- LOL So I go in and see the ultrasound cart and all the instruments, I scan for what is going to be used on me, today.  Nope. Nope. Nope. Maybe? Oh, that one.  That's the one.  Its HUGE! What the heck?! I lay back, realizing I am going to need to relax if this thing is gonna need to go up there.  I must have done a good job because I dozed off.  30 minutes later and the Dr arrives.  She goes over DH's results with him and her thoughts for future cycles.  She turns to me and says all right, let's have a look.  My eyes widened at the thought of the instrument in question.  I comment that its awful big.  The nurse sees my face and chuckles and explains the whole thing doesn't go in and it has a cover on it.  Once I saw it again after the fact, cover removed, it was really not a "big" deal anymore.  It was slightly uncomfortable, but it was overall a breeze.  It was pretty amazing to see my follicles and lining on the big screen television mounted to the wall in front of me.  The Dr explained it was still early, but would go-ahead with the IUI since we'll only have a couple chances before DH leaves for training.  So Friday it is.  Oh these teacups, whoever said the teacups aren't a ride? I declare, they ARE!

A needle, where?!?

CD 10 -- 4:10 pm:  My doctor's office finally calls!!  I had left a voicemail I'm sure sounding slightly or a lot frazzled at 1:47 pm kindly reminding them I was waiting for the go-ahead call or the cancellation call.  Misty calls me back and she is very reassuring, partly because I set my doctor's office to their own ringtone and when I heard it ring I raced to the phone down the hallway and jumped onto the bed where my phone was charging.  That, plus I know I had a full dose of adrenaline kick-in at the sound of an old-timey telephone ringtone (which was the most obnoxious one I had stored to make sure I didn't miss it).  So I answered the phone with labored breathing and in an octave much higher than my normal voice but I couldn't help it.  She was calming and explained my doctor had seen the results and definitely wanted to keep the appointment tomorrow and if we wanted would proceed with the IUI, she really wanted to talk to us and discuss our options.  I don't know why I felt the need to explain our extra desire to go ahead with the IUI because of my husband's military duty requiring him to leave in April for training.  She understood our urgency and felt we had low counts but our morphology was the usual range she normally sees.  She agreed since DH's SA was taken a couple weeks ago, there was still chance for even more improvement.  So, here we are, with my first ultrasound appointment hours away and I'm so excited.  Took an OPK today and it was negative like I expected, but there was a line already there.  I'll take another tomorrow morning just so I can advise them of its outcome.  I of course sought advice from my dependable, awesome, and tremendously caring CB and she educates me on the possibility of a 'trigger' to ensure the timing of O.  I'm sure she could picture my eyes widening and mouth gaping open as I read her text explaining the trigger is an injection given in my rump!  Ack!!  I thought I was already sporting my brave girl panties but turns out I needed a bigger, braver pair!  Whoowee.  I explained this part to DH and he exclaims he would be delighted to stick a needle in my rumpus.  What a punkhead!  LOL  Anyway, I've done tremendously well with the procedures and needles so far, I know I just have to keep telling myself it will all be worth it to finally see those two pink lines. . . someday.  I'll let you know how it goes. 

THE RESULTS

Ok, here are the results we were given with the normal WHO range (according to our sheet) in bold.

Abstinence: 3 days
Volume: 4.0 mL                   >2.0 mL
Count: 7.0 million/mL          >20 million/mL
Motility: 56.8%                     >50%
Progression: 2 Scale 1-5
Motile Sperm/mL: 4.0 million/mL >10 million/mL
Total Motile: 16.0 million
Agglutination: Some Mixed
Viscosity: Slight
Color: Off-White
pH: 7.0                                 7.2 - 8.0
Non-viable: n/a                     <25%
WBC: 0.00 million/mL          <1 million/mL
Normal Morphology: 5%       >14% Normal, 5-14% Borderline, <5% Subfertile

DH's name is Shane . . .

Okay, now I know out of context, these numbers may not seem that great, but it was encouraging the most from the morphology. According to what I found online, the updated WHO range for morphology is 5% normal. So who knows. I forgot to ask about the different range. Our urologist said when we did the surgery, Shane's sperm was in about stage 2 of production, he likened it to since it takes about 3 months or 72 days for sperm to regenerate, its about a 3 stage process, at stage 3 they are ready or getting ready to be used. So at stage 2 when we did the surgery, they were exposed to stress, likely their process was interrupted. When we did the 3 month post op, it was still likely to be early. So they were in stage 2 again, having healed from the surgery, they had just started to regenerate and we caught it at stage 2, so he wasn't too concerned about the numbers and found them "encouraging", with "improvement". He said he wouldn't need a follow-up but to send him an ultrasound picture when we are pregnant. He felt by 9 months post op Shane should be at normal levels. He said we shouldn't need any assistance by 9 months post op!!! WHAT??!!!!???? This coming from the same Dr that said we even with surgery would most likely not conceive on our own but should hope for iui/ivf numbers exclusively. He had said there are no guarantees with the surgery for improvement so I think he was playing it safe. Because today he says we shouldn't need the iui! I said but Shane is leaving next month. He said well in that case, your situation is different, you may want to try, I wouldn't do it this cycle, perhaps the next, but its up to you. I said I wasn't aware of what is needed for an iui as far as what our numbers need to look like. He said well all clinics have different cut offs, but they usually look at the total motile sperm, as long as its more than 10 million, you have a good chance. WHAT?????!!!!! I wanted to cry, and laugh, and hug him. This was our first solidly hopeful appointment since seeking assistance excluding my first appointment with my doctor before we knew we had male-factor. You could see the relief and gratefulness in Shane's face immediately. He walked lighter, stood taller. I'm sure I looked elated also. I know we aren't there yet, its still just over 3 months post op, but to hear the idea that we may not need assistance to get pregnant was news I was never ever expecting to hear about us. Ever. Oh the power of prayer, and friends, and medicine.

With this hopeful news, I called my Drs office and a nurse said she looked at the results but the DR will be in tomorrow. She'll make sure she looks over the results to make sure we are on track for our Wednesday appointment (my ultrasound for iui). Holy Heaven Above! So if they call and say not enough improvement yet, that's fine, we'll be expecting that, but if they are willing to try, Shane and I discussed our plan of action: Try to get 1-2 iuis before he leaves mid April. So this cycle and next cycle are hopeful. Otherwise we will attempt what we can depending on if we sell the house and I go with him to San Antonio or if I can visit during my fertile weeks while he's in training for the next few months, trying natural. Then when we move, we will either be pregnant, or we will need to find new doctors wherever we move to.

So, I'll let you know what happens tomorrow, my Dr is supposed to call and say, game on, lets iui this cycle, or she'll say let's make a plan.

Someone pressed Ultra Spin Mode!

Ok, for some reason, the March Teacups have been extra disconcerting . . . I write the rest in dialogue-ish form because unbelievably, its easier to follow that way . . .
DH calls his urologist's office on Tuesday, March 1st: "Is there any chance you would fax my SA results to my wife's fertility doctor's office?"  (Our rationale was-- if they are good, let's see if my doctor would like to proceed with anything this cycle, this was my cd 3)

DH's Dr's office to DH: "sure."

Me to my Dr's office:  "I just wanted to give you a heads up that my DH's post-op SA results will be faxed over and I would like my Dr to review in case they are good enough for an IUI, we'd like to perhaps try to get that scheduled, I am cd 3 today."

My Dr's office to Me: "ok."

Same day a few hours later . . .

DH gets a call back from his Dr's office: "We cannot fax your results to anyone including you until your Dr reviews the results with you at your Monday appointment."

Sigh.

Three days later (my cd 6) . . .

DH gets a call from his Dr's office now saying: "Sure we'll fax those results to your wife's doctor!" 

--I think to myself, What the heck? --

So DH calls me and I then call my Dr. 

--No one understands the emotional plight ladies riding the teacups go through!--

Me to my nurse: "I don't know what the results are, however if they are good I'm sure if we can still look at an IUI this cycle since I'm already cd 6, I haven't been on clomid or anything, perhaps at least next cycle"

My nurse to Me: "Since you're O'ing regularly and because we know there is male-factor, sometimes just the IUI is all that is needed to help."

--I can accept this (I'm sort of crunched for time, do I have any other choice than to accept).-- 

My nurse to Me: "We will be closing today at noon," [Its 11:40 am] "we are having a half day today, so call back on Monday to make sure we got DH's results from his Dr's office."

My brain: --Gah!!--

 My Nurse says:  "Why don't we assume they are good results, and schedule you for an ultrasound on your cd 11, and try for an IUI on cd 12?"

My brain exclaims: --What?!--

So I have an appointment on Wednesday, March 9th for an ultrasound.  This appointment is my first ever scheduled ultrasound for an IUI.  I'm slightly over-elated at this fact.  I understand it is a little like putting the cart before the horse; my Dr still hasn't seen the results, DH and I haven't seen the results, so Monday is still the tell-all if we can proceed with said appointment. I also understand that if the results are not yet IUI numbers, I will have to cancel the ultrasound and thus, the IUI.  I explained these scenarios to DH and we are like always, cautiously optimistic.   

I just wanted to share my exciting little ride on my ever so nauseating, teacups.  Monday is almost here.  Please be good.  Please be good.  Please be good.

Scroll all the way

I know it seems like a lot. I appreciate you even coming to my blog to read it. This used to be a very private blog where I would just rant and rave as my therapy, but since leaving facebook, where I would often post updates, I felt giving more people access would be okay. So if you are just joining our story, please either start with the newest post and work backward to catch yourself up or go ahead and start at the beginning. Below you'll find the "Blog Archive" on the left where you can go ahead and start at the very beginning . . . a very good place to start . . .

Feel free to pass this url to anyone who may find comfort knowing they're not crazy, or crazier than me anyway, its nice to know you're not alone. Infertility is definitely not my friend!

Teacups start early in March!

CD 3 - Watch out, this teacup ride got started early. DH calls his urologist's office and asks them kindly to fax over his SA results (that should be in by now) to my Dr's office since today I am CD 3, if the results are good, we might as well try for an IUI this cycle. A game of telephone tag later, DH is informed since the urologist has not yet reviewed the results with DH, then DH nor any other Dr may yet have access to the results. So this morning there was a slight possibility we would move to IUI, holy heck, IUI, let me get my brain wrapped around that first! I jump in the shower in case my Dr calls and tells me to get over there ASAP for my clomid prescription. Then wait by the phone with the excitement mulling over. DH arrives home for lunch and gives me the news he just received, no go. Emotions shift from eager impatience to frustrated irritability. I know DH feels the same yet I blow up at him all the same. I owe him an apology when he comes back. The nausea I feel is not from a much desired pregnancy, its from the teacups; and I've been on them too long. The teacups, like my every 2ww, get me no place different than when I got on, yet I know I must sit here and spin and spin and spin watching everyone else get pregnant and start families, their nine months a blur to me. Has it really been another year of TTC? Five years of teacups. Sigh.

CD 1 . . . and DH is watching women give birth.

CD 1 -- AF found me. That jerk. DH and I just got back from Las Vegas and a much needed break from TTC, from work, from stress, and now we're so tired!! Hahaha. As I lay here with my cramps and bloating, and of course, non-pregnancy, DH is educating himself by watching "The Business of Being Born". Man do I love him. He is just as much hoping and wishing for that experience also. He is so amazing. He is watching all these home births and natural births and not getting grossed out, he just wants to be educated.

We get our results in a week, and I need them to be good. How can a man such as this, not become a father? Please Lord, please.

Slowly rising.

3 dpo -- HA! I am again 3 dpo as FF moved my CH (crosshairs) to cd 12 as O day. I didn't even have to override it did it when entered today's temp. 98.0 by the way. I have been slowly and steadily rising by .10 degrees since O. With that slow rise, I feel another something slowly rising, warranted or not, but my hope. DH went in for his post op SA this morning and although we won't know the results until March 7th when we go in for our consultation with the urologist, DH said he saw an increase in volume already. That has to be good news, right?? Well, hopefully both will continue to slowly rise . . . . my temps and my hope. Babydust & FTTA.

3 dpo? Not sure I agree, but post O for sure.

FertilityFriend went ahead and marked my O day as cd 11, which is unusually early for me, I'm really not sure I agree. I will wait and see what the next couple days of temps do, and I may go ahead and override again (makes me feel like such an expert) and move O to cd 12. Doesn't matter a whole lot since we didn't get much bd'ing in with DH's work schedule and with the SA requiring abstinence during my fertile week. Other than being very gassy, lol, which I know even by some miracle I was pregnant, I wouldn't be experiencing hormone related symptoms of pregnancy in my 1-3 dpo. I read that a majority of women implant 7-11 dpo and until that embryo implants, technically, you're not pregnant.
What I would LOVE LOVE LOVE, is for an "all signs point to yes" sort of experience. Its much too early to analyze would-be symptoms, so I'll elaborate on what an ideal scenario for me would be:
Post BDing, post O, I would like a slow rise of temps from 1 dpo to let's say 6 dpo. On 6 dpo, I would be moderately high in temps. 7 dpo I would see a sharp drop in temps below coverline. I would notice this sharp decrease and would immediately text my CB who would bring me down to earth and cheerfully hope with me. She would stalk my chart from here on out. I would see spotting today. I would then mark my chart, and not talk about it anymore as in fear of jinxing anything (I know myself too well). 8 dpo I would see a staggering increase in temps back to where 6 dpo was. My chart would have a picture-perfect "implantation dip" accompanied with "implantation spotting". I've had mid-cycle spotting and I've had mid-cycle drop in temps, never one with the other so as to confuse me greatly. 9 dpo my temps would rise a bit more and would then stay triphasic.

I have seen BFP charts that look exactly like this, their owners just know they are pregnant. These teacups by now have me second-guessing all my internal organs and their functions because during the 2ww, I swear my sinuses act up on purpose (stuffy and runny nose and sore throats are early symptoms due to the estrogen increase) and I feel twinges and pangs in my abdomen more so during this time than any other. So all these possible symptoms always drive me crazy and send me up and down, spinning around, with emotions, what-ifs, highs, lows, the hateful, hurtful, hopeful, teacups.

Oh yeah, did I mention DH's SA is tomorrow? Happily we are heading to Vegas Baby this weekend to relax, unwind, spending quality couple time before DH leaves for training this spring. DH is active duty military, part of the reason our TTC journey has taken so long, he's usually not physically present so therefore neither were his swimmers in any vicinity of my egg. I need to get my mind off the results, and get to a happy, supportive place. Hopeful, and prepared. Our motto. It might be devastating news, it might be hopeful. Please pray for us. We won't find out until we get back from our 'vacation'. Let it be good. Let it be good. Let it be good. Please, please, please, let it be good.

Fertile Week and SA's.

CD 12 -- pretty sure today will be O day. Tiny temp rise but having O pains and this is my 2nd positive OPK (I usually get 2 days because I'm a POAS addict and I probably catch the LH surge early and late). So I don't know how it keeps happening this way but I'm so not a fan -- DH will get his SA scheduled near the end of our fertile week. I can't change when my fertile week will be, our uncooperative lab only does SA's two days out of the week and requires 1 full week to get the results so we have to do it at least a week before our next urologist appt, which is March 7th. For those of you who don't know, SA's require a period of abstinence, anywhere from 1-5 days depending on the Dr or lab. DH was asked to have a 3 day abstinence period. 3 DAYS!! Normally, I wouldn't care if DH needed 3 days of rest, but in my fertile week?! Booo. So now I'm just complaining that this SA has potentially ousted our chances this cycle when in reality I need to know this SA result to see if we even had a chance to worry about.

In other news, my original CB had a her baby. He is adorable, looks just like mom and dad. It was so nice to see him and am thrilled for their blessings. It was a tough car ride back though. DH and I sat silently and I know our thoughts and hearts were flowing as one. We got home and just cried with each other. I would also like to see that perfect combination of DH and I, to be pregnant, to have morning sickness, to feel kicking, to have a bump, things many people take for granted, and I know that might not be. It can't be wrong, to wonder, to hope, to dream . . . I know TTC is a hard, treacherous road for those of us with infertility issues, but I don't think we're wrong to want that precious gift of life, too. Its never "instead of", I don't wish a blessing instead of someone else's, I wish for "also". To my CB and awesome friend, you are deserving, and I wish you a BFP before June. There isn't anyone I know whom I'd be happier for. FX'd this cycle!

Cycle Day 2 is a lonely place to be...

CD 2; I didn't bother temping this morning since AF kept me up all night and I was taking ibuprofen periodically it wouldn't have been an accurate temp anyway. I thought my pity party was done but I feel the remnants lingering around. I'm trying to just understand its a new cycle, a new chance, but I get that negative attitude that I try so hard to keep at bay of 'its not a new chance, its the same chance, its the same one in a million chance you had last year and the year before.' I really need to see the new SA results. I need to see if our chances have improved. If its still going to be a miraculous event if we conceive, I wouldn't beat myself up about it every month it doesn't happen . . . or so I think anyway. We're still waiting for our insurance to get their act together and correct our referral so we can make our appointment for the next SA. DH diligently takes his FertilAid, wears his boxers, eats healthily, does all he can that he is in control of and we leave our prayers for the rest of it. I know if God chooses us to be parents, we will be, I pray that He decides we are fit. I pray the surgery worked. I pray my heart accepts and is at peace with whichever way it turns out.

Waiting to O, again . . .

So I had a pretty big dip in temps today so I'm assuming O is on her way very soon. If you're following our bd schedule this month lol, we are trying the bd schedule a FF woman did and she got her BFP! Granted our situation is different, we are still freshly post-op, just past 2 months and our Dr wasn't expecting to even take a post-op SA until 6 months after. So I know its early, I know. But does that mean we can't try? Does that mean miracles don't happen? No and NO! LOL We are going to bd like crazy this cycle, we have 2 under our belt and at least 2 more days to try. If I O tomorrow then tonight and tomorrow is pretty much all we have this cycle to get in any swimmers so we'll just have to do that. Then, we schedule our SA at the end of February and then have our 3 month post-op consult early March. Wait and see, wait and see. . .