CD 19: 7 dpo; Up in the air?

7 dpo: BBT was 98.7. So it was 98.7, 98.1, now 98.7, that looks like a dip. I woke up at 4 am on my own, I was done sleeping but I stayed in bed and tried to sleep until 7 am, my usual wake up time. At 6 I couldn't stand it anymore and took my temp and got up to pee! I went for my walk with my neighbor and then came back to FF to start comparing my chart and see what's going on with my temp. I know I should relax, not think about it, go on and wait for AF to be late or not late, but what the heck is the point to temping if I'm not seeing the cycle averages are and seeing what it could possibly mean? I found lots of charts that my chart so far resembled, but it would appear I need 2-3 more days of temps to have a better idea. I am hoping I find some spotting today and then that would correlate to a possible IMPLANTATION! If I don't I could still be in the running but wouldn't it be great if I were? Oh to daydream of Our Time...
I would wake up at 7 am on a Saturday morning, sneak to the bathroom to POAS and anxiously wait for those two precious pink lines to appear, and when they did I would say my silent tear-filled prayer of thanks to God. He would smile and let me know He loved me. Then I would slip back into bed where DH still slept and I would whisper to him, "we're pregnant." And we'd both cry. Oh, to dream. Next week I'll look back at this post and either I'll be pregnant, or I won't be, and I can say a dip? Yes it was!! Or, a dip? No, dear, that was just your estrogen surge. At least now you know what that looks like. Hopeful and prepared, will get us through.

Fall Temps

6 dpo: BBT was 98.1. BBT for 5 dpo was 98.7. What the falling temp?? As if! As if I don't have enough to over-analyze. So, what does that mean? That's curious. I've had temp rises and decreases but nothing that dramatic so early. To the internet! So apparently there could be an estrogen surge mid-LP which causes a temp decrease. But why would I have that now? What an odd thing to do to me. Of course I see "implantation dip" alongside my search queries but they all say 7-11 dpo is the average time to see a dip. And of course, without knowing yet what 7 dpo temps are, its hard to judge if this is a dip or a stay put. I did notice if we are going the hopeful route (why not?) when I went on my walk this morning I could barely stand the smells all around. It could logically be explained that I went a little later, the sun was shining so it was warmer, maybe intensifying any smell. It could be that we had some rain and cooler temps so there was an abundance of dew on the grass and it maybe was just fermenting in the sun but it overwhelmed me and I started to breathe through my mouth. Everything smelled rotten. I smelled mold, mildew, rot, and sour milk. **sighs** So if these are just curious coincidences, well, I'd rather not run into them again. On the other hand, if it means pregnancy, well then bring it on!

So tomorrow we'll see what the heck is up (or down) with my temps...

Hopeful and Prepared

4 dpo -- So, just in case . . . . from my dear friends on FF, all it takes is one. After learning of what obstacles lie ahead for our journey to parenthood, at first glance the path seemed so steep that it would be impossible to climb. Having .5% normal morphology sperm will often appear as a wall rather than a path, but sometimes you have to look with a different set of eyes. The negative eye will say "no" its not possible, that's too steep, it might as well be a wall. The faithful eye sees the same obstacle and says "hmmm, no sense in trying to walk through that, instead, let's make some notches here and there, not too big, but so that now we have footholds and handholds and with some effort, we can." The notches are the FertilAid I now have DH on, to help with his count and morphology. Its the antibiotics my Dr put him on to get rid of the white blood cells. Its the procedures I've done to make sure we know how high we have to go. Its the help that we're seeking and getting from so many that is making a wall, a path.

So, yes, I am 4 dpo and yesterday I felt a sharp poke in my right side. Certainly, it could be gas. When you're so keen on every little blood cell movement little things can seem bigger than they are. I am well aware what our chances are at conceiving naturally, we are seeking help, but for this cycle, DH and I bd'ed au naturale. If by chance, one, one sperm in the thousand we have available for us made to the egg, well than, I can be hopeful that my poke was something. If by chance, it was gas or nothing but the innerworkings of my digestive tract, than I am prepared for that, too.

But hopeful and prepared is a feasible way to TTC. Good luck, and FTTA.

Birthdays

Growing up I always looked forward to birthdays, they were always filled with family and of course, presents! Since TTC, each passing birthday seemingly made my biological clock tick louder and faster. It would be safe to say, I was not looking forward to turning another year older, another year closer to 35. What's my hang up with 35? Well, not only does TTC then start to really become a challenge for those without fertility issues, but carrying a pregnancy starts to become risky for the mother and baby. Our insurance already classifies any pregnancy over 35 at high-risk. High-risk? I feel like I've just started! How can you tell me I'm already nearing the wrap-up stages of my child-bearing years? I cannot say however, that I would have wished to have started trying earlier. After reflecting with DH last night, we are glad that we did choose to wait to try. We believe we may have encountered the same issues then as we are now, but now, we are older, wiser. We have life-experience that can only be gained by going out and living. I am a college graduate, I have traveled the world, I have tried several careers, I became a teacher, I coached and made a difference, I am a homeowner, I have lived and done everything I've ever aspired to do; now how could I have traded that? DH and I believe in teaching our children not only about books, but about life. I cannot honestly say I would have had much to teach them had I not gained my own life-experience. I can teach them all I've learned from living on my own, having roommates, budgeting college, paying their own way, working 3 jobs at once to make sure I could do it on my own . . . granted, love love love it when DH came along! I want to teach my daughter to be her own woman, not to rely on her husband, DH is the greatest company anyone could ever hope for, but he does not define me. He knows and I know, I can make it on my own.



So, having accomplished the things I have, I cannot say I would have done it differently. I trust God will make me a mother. So although I dreaded today for months, alas, it has arrived -- and I'm okay! I've reached another birthday and I'm glad! I am grateful for having another year with my parents, my grandmother, my siblings, DH's family, and with so many friends I've reconnected with and met on this journey of mine. If another birthday comes and I still don't have the one gift I truly seek, I will still be okay. One day, it will happen, someday, somehow. I'm very excited to trust in His plan for us, and to celebrate all there is. Happy birthday to me.

Riding the Teacups

My original CB and I used to feel TTC and riding roller coasters were synonymous. There are ups and downs, twists and turns, sudden stops, slow rises, except with TTC, all these relate to your emotions instead of being physically thrown around at high speeds. We called TTC "Riding the Teacups". You do the same things, bd, take prenatals, eat right, temp daily, lay with your legs in the air, and then endure the anxiety-ridden 2ww. Just like the teacups, you spin and spin, there's anticipation that you'll end up somewhere different than where you started, but when the 2ww/ride is over, you're back at the same spot as when you got on. We also call it the teacups because its not the biggest ride you'll have to face either. Once you conceive, you graduate, off the teacups to a bigger roller coaster -- this one has tunnels, it has a slow steep climb and then it goes really fast . . . this is pregnancy. She got off the teacups very early and left me spinning alone. Don't get me wrong, I was glad she got off, one can only handle spinning round and round for so long and then the teacups are no fun at all. I try to be supportive of her new ride, but truth is, I can't really understand what she's going through, I've never been pregnant. I only know the teacups. I see the giant roller coaster ride of pregnancy and scary as it looks to some people, I really really want to get on it. I try and its like the attendant looks at me and says, "36 inches" you're too small. I feel small. I feel un-pregnant. I feel like everyone else is pregnant and I may never know the feeling. I feel like I hate the teacups.

Eventful and Informational Summer/Fall...

I haven't posted since May. Well, let's do a quick summary of events.

End of May -- I was cut from my job as a teacher (first year teachers received huge rounds of cuts due to the budget in our state; being an elective teacher, I didn't have much say). This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I love teaching however it is very stressful and ttc plus added stress doesn't help in the "just relax" therapy.

In June and July -- DH and I tried to just relax and not worry so much about temping and testing, I admit I still watched these things but didn't share when the fertile time was so DH could not stress about it and his responsibilities which I know were causing him to stress and worry about having to bd at certain times for the CAUSE. :)

August -- This was sort of our, "ok, its been a while now, if it doesn't happen this month, we agree to go see a doctor" month. Well, it didn't happen and I was starting to lose hope. I now couldn't come back to blogging, what for, what answers did I have? I started to realize all my posts may be the same, hopeful symptoms of things my mind is imagining because I want to be pregnant so much. Ok, I admit also, I had a cry-fest pity party. It lasted a couple weeks. Then, I woke up. No one is going to do this for me, no one is going to magically get us pregnant, if we want it, we must be active participants in the getting. I have faith. Don't misunderstand that I believe we could do this without God's help. FAR FROM IT!! But it comes to mind, I can't win the lottery without God's say so, but He laughs and says, well dear, you certainly can't win it either without buying a ticket! LOL Yes, God has a sense of humor. So yes, I believe God wants us to have children, but we also have to work toward it ourselves. I don't expect anything in life to just be handed to me, I've worked for everything because God has always instilled in me that work ethic and go-getter attitude. So, with God's help, we are on our way to have a baby!

September -- We work on our referrals for specialists and we are granted them as we've been not preventing for 4 years now. DH gets his 1st scheduled SA and I am referred to a fertility specialist OB/GYN. DH's SA results were a clue to the answers we needed to continue on our journey of TTC.
DH has low sperm count - 11 million/mL when normal is considered above 20 million/mL.
DH has low morphology - .5% normal with 99.5% abnormal. Normal fertile range is above 5% normal.
DH has olympic swimmers!! - 77.9% forward progression, normal is above 50%.
The morphology was the most devastating. The low count can be treated but we were concerned about how treatable his morphology would be especially with such a low count, we were classified as having a poor prognosis for conception. :(

October -- DH is referred to a urologist. He is diagnosed with a grade 3 varicocele. Varicocele is a cluster of veins in the testicle that are similar to varicose veins. This is the most common cause of male infertility. Grade 1 is the first stage/grade, being mild, grade 3 is the most severe. DH has an upcoming SA next week and then we take all his blood work (hormones) and SA's to our appt with the urologist on the 25th where we will schedule his surgery to correct the varicocele. Talk about one of our worst days. DH was depressed, scared, angry, and it was doubly-hard to be the strong one. I had to remind DH whatever issue we encountered is OUR issue, no one's fault, just part of our road to having kids. As unfair as it seems, DH and I never had things easy, but we are always stronger for it, and frankly, wouldn't seem right to have it any other way. Its as though all our trials and tribulations always prepare us for something harder ahead. So, fair to say, we're ready for the challenge. Anyway, DH was not poked and prodded alone! I had my cycle day 3 blood work, haven't heard back on those but I assume if it wasn't good, they would've called. I had an HSG done this week. It was very intimidating, very scary, but after it was done, I was relieved. Tubes are free and clear. Up next we wait to see when DH schedules his surgery then I'll schedule my laparascopic surgery. The more information we have, the better equipped we are to have a game plan to conceiving. The lap surgery will check me for endometriosis. If I'm all clear then we just have to wait to see improvement in DH's numbers. I know we'll see improvement. Then, we'll either look into IUI and consider clomid for me. If the numbers aren't that drastically improved, we will consider IVF with ICSI.

Ok, that's the informational wrap up. I'll go into the emotional effects later. Its been rough and I wish people would just watch what they say and stop thinking they know so much about having kids, even when they've had them, they didn't have them with the issues we're dealing with. Its not the same for everyone and I'm sorry, "Just stop talking about it and do it already," isn't helpful advice.